Never try to cheer up me up, i might top myself!

I learnt that you not very likely to kill yourself when you really depressed as you don't have the energy, but given some help you might feel better enough to give it a try.
I learnt that people with mental problems are just that people with mental problems. It seems that my one day mental health training was concerned with the two big hitters in the crazies world, schizophonia and the boo hoo's (drepression).

Schizophrenia was described in great detail as suffering form symptoms either "positive" Hallucinations, disorganised thinking ect or "negative" loss of volition and social withdraw? So pretty much me after a couple of beers? oh know you also have to be extremely bat shit crazy spectrum as well. oh I see....

Depression (which we were told that one in four of us would be suffering from) came with a nice fifty word diagnosis guide of that included felling a "little low with low motivation" to "suicide or self harm"? So pretty much me the day after a couple of beers? oh know you also have to a little subnormal? oh I see???

My group disparate to show its usual advanced intelligence and thirst for learning probed the lecturer for tips on "the best way to identify a patient that was depressed?" or "identify a patient that might be likely to commit suicide?" "how best to restrain a nutter?" "can I get in trouble for restraining a Nutter?" "can you force a sucide attempty to stay alive?" er thats a yes to that last one by the way, by law I can keep you alive :-)

  


 
  





 




psychiatrist know fuck

I new year the same amount of days?

Well the summer is over, I have no tan and don't feel rested. I am hoping to update this some more say 3 times a week after a go running.

I am filled with fear at returning to uni I don't like people they confuse me. I am going to try and keep me head down and learn. Become boring. Become a fixture.

I am a plastic plant in the corner I need no light or water.

Fresh faced and charmed

Today was motivate the new students day.
Today was be all that you can be day.
Today was dress up sit up straight and eat you dinner day.
Today was don't my mistakes day.
I had a child today and put it in a trash can.

Induction days are always fun, lots of new faces all eager to learn, eyes wide, hair brushed, newly cleaned teeth held behind mouths held tightly shut by the fear of saying something to strong and standing out.

Any questions?  No? You are all very quiet?

Thank god no ice breaker questions were employed. All the Coal power stations in the world could produce enough climate change to break these people down. I think we could have executed half of them without the others uttering a word if it had been in the well oiled timetable.

I don't blame them for their shyness, their flocking nature is only human. I do however hate them for it. I hate them as given this silence, being presented with this conformity this blandness this forced politeness. I am compelled to behave like a complete and utter twat. I become loud, argumentative, extrovert and above all arrogant.

Other people make me an awful human being  but I wonder if they noticed?

           



 

Left overs

Hello hippies your all cunts!

Sorry about that was a little upset from a meeting I had with  flower child in the supermarket. There I am happily buying my generic cereals and bagged salad with my mind trying to work if as a student I can justify purchasing artichokes, When I over hear a girl squealing to here friends like a canary that's being arse raped by a hawk. "It's horrid it's sick...who buys things like that...there..er...I feel sick just looking at them"

What crime against decency could have offend this poor rather thin looking girl? Is it the new Jedwood album? Maybe Michael Ball is appearing naked in heat this week or have they started selling those kids clothes with the padded chest bits again?

Er no, What has got this girls stomach in a knot and panties stuck up he rather tiny arse is the pigs kidneys available at a lovely £1.99 for 8! Now I'm not a bad person I wouldn't say I did this just to get a rise I mean those that know me would agree I will go out of my way to avoid an argument?? I walked calmly up behind her, reached over gave her a polite smile as I picked up a packet and slipped them into my basket.

Imagine the face of somebody being told they have won a prize, but a second later that the prize is to eat their own shit! That's her face!    


Now I may be a mouthy little shit but I don't expect everybody to be so happened next I was not expecting. She looked at me and squealed "er are you going to eat those???" "no you stupid bitch im going to rub them on my cock" (ok so I didn't say that) I replied  "yes I am their nice" she screwed her face up further "but their organs, left overs its sick" with my best smile and BBC accent whilst looking into her basket said "your buying mixed fruit jam that's the left overs of fruit which is basically the young of tress blended together, mushrooms that's the thrush of the veg world probably grown on dung and a bottle of wine which if memory serves is gone off grapes made useful by the shit and piss of yeast?.. " happy that my point was made I strolled off to find the honey.

 




 

human beings gather round

The AV vote eh that was exciting?

what sorry you didn't vote?? oh its cause you didn't understand it? no? its cause you don't think it will make a difference? oh thats ok then as long as you have thought it through and you not just sitting in you own little world of apathy! 

WAKE UP SHIT-BIRD

Fuck all we do makes any difference on any grand scale. My job is a perfect example of that trust me, but if we give up before we even start we might as well sit at the station watching bargain hunt and drinking tea.  

Recently I have been very annoyed by stupid protest twat's running around our streets causing chaos and redesigning the the colour of police uniforms. I have however come to the conclusion that maybe there not all that bad a least they are passionate enough to leave their homes.

this lady writes very well

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/may/05/av-vote-lib-dems

EDIT

Results are in the uneducated have one again!   

   

Lush music

just wanted to post this as these mixes are amazing! thats it no rants about anything.

http://www.derail.candusound.co.uk/

Players

Ok so not long till I'm back on the road whizzing around in a big yellow and green bus. However until then i have little to report.

My social life may be considered as dull and seeing as writing this is hard enough when i have things to talk about I been quiet of late yes?

I have however had a theme running though my small town life recently, one of dating, either me doing it or other people asking my advice on it, yes OK i can here the laughter among some people reading this, but people do sometimes think i might know something sometimes.

I have noticed that ladies and gents differ in relation to the level of honesty early on in dating. Questions keep popping up from my girlie friends about weather a guy is into them or not and how should they act if they like them? Is this guy being nice or is he a player? I want really sure of what to say inst it obvious if somebody is a player? Don't they have a shinny shirt and shaved balls?  

So when recently when I girl i am seeing (that's a very lose description I have never met her and we have talked on the phone about a dozen times) asked ME if i was a player? Just like that no hidden meaning no clever mind games just "are you a player"

As you would imagine I was shocked and confused, so much so in fact that without thinking i said "I don't know?" The girl slightly stunned by my response almost sounded like she was trying to defend me throwing me a simple question even a moron could answer, asked " but you wouldn't lie to somebody about wanting a relationship just to get them into bed, would you?"

I could feel  the gap in this conversation growing bigger and bigger exploding outwards like some futuristic lab accident any minute it would reach a critical no return point i had to say something... "errrr I don't know?" 

thummmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwsssssssssspop

"er maybe? is that likely to happen?.....are you likely to requests that before sex?... do you have a contract?.. sign here here and here, right now we can have sex and after we will be together for no less that 3 months unless one of us dies.."

further silence and a

"......im sorry but idea that you know either way before you have sex if crazy? I wouldn't sign up to a months supply of mustard flavored ice cream unless i knew what it tasted like. Does this not just break relationships down to a new form of easily broken marriage."

So with newly created SexDeaTh matter entering the world from the ear piece i'm left to ponder what the fuck happen? How did i get that so wrong? How at 31 did i not know how to answer such a easy fucking question and more to the point why did a turn it into an argument?

 Maybe because I'm not a fucking player?  

Maybe because i don't see sex as a surrender by one person and a victory by another. Something that can be held by either of us as a trump card in some stupid game. Do people really think that making somebody wait to have sex will help them sift out the bad form the good guys? If i was only after sex waiting a couple of weeks makes no odds to me but surely causes you no end of heart ache when it all full apart?

If a person is going to lie to you act like a arsewipe there is little you can do about it.

I now feel cynical and hungry.


      








 



 

FUCK YOU RONNIE

buzzzzzzzz
buzzzzzzzzzzzz
buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



"er hello?"

 "Hello my names Ronnie from TV Licensing"

 "oh, hello this is a bit of a bad time I was in the shower and.."

"Were you aware this property is unlicensed"
 
"Yes I don't watch TV look I just got out the shower and.."

"Wondered if I might come in an inspect your property?"

 "Why?"

"To check you dont need a license"

"This really is a bad time..."

"PLEASE STOP MESSING AROUND AND LET ME IN"

"er excuse me??"

"I NEED TO ENTER THE PROPERTY..SIR"

"er hang on.....right look though the letter box"

"er hello?"

"LOOK THOUGH THE LETTER BOX"

"er ok??"

"Jesus Christ......SIR...that is obscene, I could call the police"   

"Go ahead, your outside looking though my letter box that makes you a peeping tom"

"er...er...goodbye sir"














 

New born baby in the shed

Wow.

Again it's been a long time since I vomited my badly written crap into the world. It's been a mix of not much time and the boredom that comes when the shine has rubbed off something.

The world of blogs gave me, at first, a great feeling of confessional post fuck haze. I treated it like a new relationship: putting lots of time into it as it gave me lots back. It now, however, has turned into a marriage. It's lost its excitement. We never seem to stay up late any more staring into eachothers eyes. I don't get that rush when I experience something new and think about rushing home to share it with my bloggy lover.

It is with this in mind I'm going to do what all married couples do when their relationship goes south. I'm having a baby!

Na only joking. It's not that bad yet.

I'm going to try to spicy our love life with some photos! 



   

PLANNED DON'T CARE

As part of my training I have a placement with what is know as Planned Care or Patient Transport Service. These are the mini buses you might see driving old ladies in and out of hospitals, taking people in for dialysis and generally being a taxi for the sick and needy as well as plain fucking lazy.

The shifts tend to be 9 hours with plenty of down time and tea breaks. The crews wear the same uniform as A/E crews and many have the arrogant swagger of the front line services.

It is at the uniform that the similarities end. In its wisdom, the ambulance service does not train these crews with anything other than the most basic first aid and CPR and they are instilled with an "If in trouble, DIAL 999" attitude.

When they pick up patients they do not receive or ask for a proper hand over. They moan about paper work that is less detailed than most people's name tags.

The next time you're in a hospital and you see a man in green, think twice before you wander up and thank him for doing such a selfless job helping the world, because if he has time to hang around hospitals he ain't A/E.

    

I don't hate Macs, but they do give me a syncing feeling | Charlie Brooker | Comment is free | The Guardian

I don't hate Macs, but they do give me a syncing feeling | Charlie Brooker | Comment is free | The Guardian

Man killed in cinema after popcorn complaint - Yahoo! News UK

Man killed in cinema after popcorn complaint - Yahoo! News UK

Its been a while due to life getting in the way

Hello brain bucket take this!

Well time has passed by and I have had little to write about, no energy to write or just been lazy? Inquiring minds want to know.

Since my last post, I have finally had another A/E shift although not with my mentor. I worked a 1pm till 1am shift on an ambo. The crew was made up of a paramedic who is a good friend of my mentor and my mentor's normal technician partner.

The paramedic has worked in Manchester for the last 10 years, he used to be a marine, lives on a barge and so in my eyes is very cool. He reminds me of McNulty from the wire and I'm not surprised to hear he has a bit of a rep. (Let's just say you would trust him with you life but not with your wife)

His crew mate (a technician) looks like she would be happier working in a violent inner city pub. A heavy set young girl with a smile that seems to come at all the wrong times. Her iphone is permanently attached to her left ear. 

Technicians are trained in BLS, Anatomy, Pharmacology, ECG Monitoring and Spinal Immobilization. Which is pretty much the same as paramedics apart from they can't give good drugs (morphine) or intubate (tube down the throat). Their salary is about the same as a first year paramedic and they love pointing this out to students. 

After smokes, teas, and equipment check, the first call came in.

An 84 year old lady that had indeed fallen and fractured her left hip (short hand # is the symbol for Fracture for time saving form filling paramedics). She also had tenderness in her neck and lower back so she got long boarded and dog collared. We gave her Entonox for the pain and shipped her off slowly off to A/E.

The day stayed slow with 2 possible strokes,  a seizing child and a lady with heart problems. All were pretty much stable by the time we got there (average 7 mins) so we ran our ops and took them to hospital. It's hard sometimes as you might never know what was wrong with these people. More frustrating however was our next type of patient.

The message came up on our screen that patient has had D/V (diarrhoea and vomiting) for the last 4 days. On arriving at the property we were taken upstairs by her husband.  She was middle aged female lying partly dressed in bed making moaning noises.

I asked her my basic questions. How can I help? Where does it hurt? For how long? She cried alot and told me that she was in no pain but felt very ill, had seen a doctor and had been told she had flu. The paramedic took her temp, blood pressure, blood sugar, pulse, blood o2. All were normal.

I ran out of questions and started to feel uncomfortable? I told her there was nothing we could do for flu that all her stats were fine and she needed to wait it out. She started crying louder. So like a good member of the ambulance service I gave her the choice. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HOSPITAL??

For some reason hundreds of people with flu every week think that A/E is a better place to sit for 4 hours rather than being at home. They fill doctors surgeries with their coughs and sniffles hoping for a cure.

Modern medicine is amazing if you heart is about to pack in or you need a new liver. Brain tumor? No problem. We can can grow you a new ear on the back of a mouse should yours get eaten by a rapist boxer. We can't, however, cure you of the flu. You need to wait and drink fluids.

Huge investment has gone into daytime TV so that you can lie on the sofa and die in front of arguing couples goaded by gambling addicts or twats buying planted priceless items at car boot sales normally populated by pirated DVDs.

Don't call 999 and take away an ambulance from somebody that might fucking need it.

   

  

     

editing and students

Right. I started this blog to help me deal with some of the stressful things I might encounter during my A/E work. I have not, however, had any A/E shifts. As a result, it has become instead a vent of things on my brain that would normally get dumped on a friend during a loud 40 min phone call.

This may have something to do with the fact that it's badly written and in need of tidying up. A kind friend has offered (I think it was driving her nuts) to edit it for me when she has time to. Sorry if posts change and become more readable.

I am a student. It says this on my work shirt in big yellow embroidery. I attend university and learn stuff from books. I could get an nus card but (maybe due to my studentness) have been to lazy to sort it out.
I don't pay council tax but still moan about being skint.

In spite of all this and the fact I would consider myself a big lefty, I didn't go on the student protests. I didn't march on any public buildings and get a bit over excited or join a sit in at my university, sleeping under tables and eating pot noodles and weeing in sinks.

I didn't do these things, not because I didn't want to, but because I would have been thrown off my course and black balled from the ambulance service. My name would have been put in the big book of shame along with that guy who shagged his patients mother and the chap who touched up a patient and explained it to her as a "clinical method used to relax" (only joking he's still working for the service..no really, he is).

Were we told from day one, "Step out of line and that's it. You're gone." "We are watching", and they mean it. Three students have been removed from courses around the UK just for writing things on Facebook. One for just for appearing in her uniform? (and not in a sexy way).

It seems like with everything, at the beginning you need to tread carefully, keep your nose clean and kiss lots of arse. My mentor and lecturers have told me once I am in the service I'm in. I pretty much have to steal a baby, fill it full of morphine, then sell it out of the back of an ambulance to a local skaghead, one who is prepared to use her body as part payment, and let me video it, so I can play it back on the TVs at A/E on a Saturday night. Even then I would end up working on PTS on double my salary.

So when I heard that Nick Clegg was to face students tonight I did feel like justice was going to be done. The only students they will let meet that lying two-faced shit monkey are the ones like me: either somebody's got their balls in their hands or clean nose little boring bastards that wouldn't say smuggle a dozen eggs up their arse just so they could throw them at his puffy car-salesman wax-work face.

     

blog words tired zzzzzzzzzz

I'm tired, very tired. Took me ages to write this as keep hitting wrong keys. Bed now for that nice sleep you get when you're really tired.

Good day today met 3 people who could die by the end of the week. They all had a smile on their face as the sun was out. People can be amazing.

Love the world.

Frosting hides nothing

As I sat on my toilet, happy of the the fact all that fiber is doing the trick, I found myself staring at the big window to my right. It's completely frosted which is meant to give me total privacy from the perverts and the local peeping toms that have flooded this once great neighbourhood. 

Like most people I don't do my business in the dark. It would mean taking a head torch to inspect my offerings and that's just gross. I also like to take my time, maybe reading the paper or a bit of that book I'm not really enjoying anymore but feel I should finish now I've started it.

It was not until the first paper based clean-up operation of my posterior did the first tingles of worry being to twitch.

If you have ever watched old 70 hardcore porn edited for the UK (hang on, that's lost lots of you), if you have ever seen a streaker from a football match shown on TV you will know that you don't need to see anything to see everything.

The pixelation/blurring does little to hide what going on and in fact can draw you eyes closer to the action as you brain tries to sort out what its seeing.

My frosted shield of modesty is in fact nothing more than a beacon to anybody withing 500 meters of my flat. I have lived here for almost 5 months. That's well over 100 toilet based events?

shit.
  

Unwatchable

I like my movies, and at one point I thought maybe I would be a film critic... until I realised that you need to be able to write, and not french phrases like C'est ma cinéaste préférée.

However as this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I like and how I like, here is one for the masses!

Many years ago my mum bought my sister and I a film book. In it were cast lists, budgets, directors notes, etc. Now, my sister is a walking encyclopaedia of knowledge anyway, so armed with this she became a veritable knowledge guru. New films were discovered and new facts about old films revealed. It filled many a rainy day and settled the odd stupid argument.

The birth of the internet reintroduced many things: obsolete porn mags, porn videos, porn chatlines to name a few. It also means that at the touch of a mouse, or the slide of a phone, movie facts are the touch of a button (or 67) away.

As many of you know, the most comprehensive list of movie knowledge and reviews can be found at the IMDB website. I'm pretty sure most of my friends have it set as a fav, if not so high in their history that this is not necessary.

For a long time I have used it as a review source. Anything above a 7 is worth a look, or under 2 for comic value.

Their list of the best 250 films is impressive.
Here is the top 10:

1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) 560,097
2. 9.2 The Godfather (1972) 437,215
3. 9.0 The Godfather: Part II (1974) 264,733
4. 8.9 The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) 175,811
5. 8.9 Pulp Fiction (1994) 447,011
6. 8.9 Schindler's List (1993) 296,639
7. 8.9 12 Angry Men (1957) 131,591
8. 8.9 Inception (2010) 296,186
9. 8.8 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) 231,522
10. 8.8 The Dark Knight (2008)

So it was with the utmost confidence that I rented  "Unstoppable": A healthy 7 with a strong cast and lots of action.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477080/

Imagine my horror, when instead of a thrill ride of adrenaline action I got a badly made advert for Fox news, coupled with the message that it's okay to threaten your wife if you're a nice guy deep down. The action is poor, the script is shit, and the direction looks to be straight out of the seventies.

Please avoid this movie.

Instead, watch "The Box": A 5.6, its is also a shit movie that could have done better, but a least it tried to do something other than a sex up Thomas the Tank Engine.  

Angry Man 1 : Happy Man 0

Today was another day of nursing home fun. More tea was made, biscuits eaten, and hygiene laws flouted!
I actually had a good day today considering I spent it in the second worst place in the world. The first worst place is located in the same space and time but with a slight dimensional shift so that time has slowed down and air freshener has not been invented.

I am a part qualified paramedic. I can do stuff to you if you're dead that with luck with make you not dead any more. I can do checks and ask you questions to establish what might make you dead and so need the first of my skills. If you call an ambulance, a person less qualified than me may well be dispatched to you to stop you from being dead, until somebody more qualified can get to you and say that there is nothing we can do and we need to take you to hospital anyway.

However...
I cannot change sheets, help people get dressed, take them to the loo, or do anything else deemed personal care whilst working at this nursing home. I'm not sure why. Nobody will explain, and it seems nobody cares. This has made me and the two other students working with me become a little, how would you say, depressed?

One of my colleagues, let's call him "smiles", is having a really bad time. I have never met a happier more energetic person in my life. He is like a CBBC presenter who has been given a massive line of cocaine and told her arm will grow back by morning. I normally hate this kind of person. OOkay, I DO hate this person. I hate that he doesn't get upset by all the shit and pain in the world. I hate that he sees that I hate this and instead of being upset, he tries to make me feel better.

So, imagine my glee and happiness when "smiles" comes to me today as says that he's not sure he can take it anymore, that he has been hiding from interacting with the patients. That he is feeling a bit down. That all the death and age and shit and piss and anger surrounding him is just all to much.

Well what could I say? What words of comfort did I have?

"Welcome to the world smiles, take a good long look."

The funny thing is I did have nice things to say, I just kept them in. I don't feel angry and useless here. These people don't have a choice about their surroundings. All the things that upset me are not found in them. The system is to blame for treating them like crap and reducing them to livestock.    

I have fed an 82 year old lady every day. It takes a long time. She has no top teeth. I talk to her while she eats and hold her hands so she doesn't take the spoon from me and hurt herself with it. She has advanced dementia and it's hard to understand her, but I have had time to see past the shakes and random words. If you look into somebody's face long enough, it's almost like the outside drops away.

Today after her lunch, whilst I took her napkin, she grabbed my hand, and with the most intense stare that lasted maybe a second, whispered, "Thank you for you kindness". Then her hands relaxed and the look was gone.

I'm an angry man. I shout and have hit people in the face, but I could see something "smiles" couldn't. We can't change the big stuff and some of it SHOULD upset you. It's what you do when it does that counts.